A (Regressing) Bedtime Story

About 3 weeks ago, my two-year-old learned to open doors.

Yep, this little Punkster McGhee is growing and developing wonderfully inconvenient skills.

As would be expected, this means that naptime and nighttime have taken an interesting turn.  Allow me to walk you through the 5 phases of the bedtime progression regression.

Phase I:  Closing All the Doors Ever

I’d know for a while that it was imminent.  He’d recently grown juuust tall enough to master the art of closing doors, and it quickly became his obsession.  If we were leaving his bedroom, he’d push me out first so he could stand up on the tipiest of toes, grasp the side of the door handle with his fingertips, and pull the door closed.  He’d then have to close the other 3 doors on the floor before we could go downstairs.  He wanted to close all the doors. EVER.

In fact, our nighttime routine had gotten this really cute closing addition where we’d read him his books, pray, and sing to him while he cuddled his di-di (translated: blanket) so sweetly in his bed.  Then as soon as we were done singing he’d grab my hand to “help” me stand up, then get up himself, say “Go, go, go!” as he pushed me to his door, wait for me to open the door, then push us out as he closed the door behind us, saying, “Night night.”  Kind of adorable.  Kind of too grown-up for me.

Phase 2:  The First Awakening (Opening)

So when we were sitting in his bedroom one evening and he walks over to his door (previously closed, to avoid him from escaping when I tried to pajama him), stands on his tipiest of toes, grasps the side of the door handle with his fingertips, and TURNS, I knew we were in for trouble as – voila! – the door opened.  With the accomplishment of such a big-boy task, I was torn between beaming pride and utter despair.  My little boy can open doors by himself!

My little boy can open doors…by himself…no!!!  Nothing is safe anymore!  I can’t just put things I don’t want him to get into in a bedroom and shut the door anymore.  I can’t put him into HIS room and just shut the door anymore.  No, no.  This little man has a newfound FREEDOM!

Phase 3:  Tantrums and Tears

He quickly figured out that when we put him down to sleep, for nap or nighttime, he didn’t HAVE to stay in his room.  The next night, after we did his whole bedroom routine, I got up to leave, as usual.  Instead of showing us out the door, he said, “a-come?” (translated: I come?) and followed us to the door.  “No, Ollie,” we said.  “You don’t come.  You get to go night-night!”  And thus ensued a new onslaught of tears and an over-tired 2-year-old tantruming.  BUT – he walked back to his bed, laid himself down, whimpered a little, and fell asleep.

This pattern continued at naptime and nighttime for 2 or 3 days.  Trying to come with us, crying, but always going back to his bed – never putting two and two together to realize he had the power to just open the door and help himself out when we said, “No, Ollie, you stay – night night!”

Phase 4:  Harmless Annoyances

Then it got fun.  He finally figured out that he was indeed supposed to stay in his room.  But maybe…just maybe…his cuteness could find a way out of it.

So we’d do the nighttime routine, head to the door, say, “Night-night, Ollie, I love you!”, and walk out, closing the door behind us with him lying all cute in his bed like a perfect 2-year-old boy.  Less than .5 seconds later, he’d dart up from his bed and run over to the door.  He’d then very carefully and quietly open the door to test.

Thus ensued a 20-minute game consisting of a random selection of the following: Oliver opening the door; closing the door when he realized we saw him; standing in the doorway; braving a few steps outside of him room; us calling, “Night, night, Ollie” up the stairs; and eventually us walking to his open door, mustering our most serious “I mean business” parent face, and saying, “Ollie, close your door, please” in our sternest voice.  To which he’d obediently close the door and finally go to bed.

Phase 5:  The Escapee

We felt like 20 minutes to get him to go to bed was a bit unreasonable.  But before we could figure out what to do about it, he was already 3 steps ahead of us.  He decided this standing in the doorway thing was for rookies.  He was getting out.

We’d sing, pray, read books, say goodnight.  He’d very sweetly lie in his bed and say, “Night-night”, maybe even give us a faux sleepy eye rub…then as soon as we were out the door, he was out of bed, planning his method of escape.

As soon as he’d been quite for long enough that we thought he might actually be asleep, we’d move into our room to head to bed, or go downstairs to watch a TV show.  And he’d start very quietly tiptoeing out of his room.  The first time we caught him, we were in our bedroom.  Nick opened the bedroom door to get something from downstairs and saw Oliver standing in the doorway with an, “Oh, shoot!  I’ve been spotted!” look on his face.  The kid froze like a burglar in an old melodrama – slightly crouched, arms bent and out to his sides.  He quickly glanced behind him, back at Nick, behind him, beside him, looking for an escape route – then quickly turned around and ran back to his room, shutting the door behind him.

A little bit later, we’d turned out all the lights in the hallway except for a nightlight.  Headed downstairs for one last drink of water, I opened the door to see him sprawled out on his stomach on the carpet in the semi-circle of light cast by the nightlight, mid-army-crawl.  He made eye contact with me, then disappeared back into his room before I could do more than stifle a laugh.

The last time we saw him that night, he made it all the way to our bedroom door, crawling on all fours, making me jump when I happened to open the door and find him there.  As soon as he saw the door open, without even looking at me, he’d spun around and crawled back to his room on all fours, slamming the door behind him.

Suffice to say it’s definitely gotten worse before it’s gotten better.  Since then, we’ve gone through:

Phase 6:  Oliver Randomly Alternating Phases 3, 4, and 5 for 1.5 Hours (until I finally give up, put him in front of Disney’s Cinderella, and he passes out on the family room floor within 10 minutes)

Phase 7:  Holding His Door Shut for 20 Minutes (while nursing Liesl) Until He Falls Asleep

Phase 8:  Lying On His Floor Until He Falls Asleep

Phase 9:  Childproof Door Knob – Yes, we finally resorted to one of those obnoxious child-proof doorknob covers.  We put it on until he falls asleep, then quietly open his door and take it off so he can get out if needed.  Seems to do the trick so far.  During naptime today, he came to his door 10 minutes after I put him down, said, “Mama, open?  Mama, out!”  I told him it was naptime, he whined for a few minutes, and finally fell asleep.  So far so good.

So…here we are.  What’s your experience with this?  Honestly, if anyone has any wisdom to pass on in this area, I’m not above moving to a Phase 10.  We’d just better not get to Phase 13…I’m not superstitious, but with as ridiculous a journey as this has been, I wouldn’t want to chance it!