There comes a time in every mother’s life when she realizes that her son no longer needs her. That moment has its first beginnings as a 2 years old boy playing on the dining room floor with his train set, 100% content and in his own world…with his mother watching on.
I’ve been off of work for 2 ½ months now. It’s been glorious. I’m already aching at the thought of leaving my babies to go back. But that’s a post for another time. A much more depressing one.
It’s been so interesting being home with my kids full-time, especially with Oliver. He’s been going to a babysitter 5 days a week since he was about 5 months old (ouch, my heart aches to write that!). We’ve always had a really sweet relationship through it all. But since being home and together every day for the first time in over a year and a half, I’ve loved being able to experience his growth and development at a much closer proximity. It’s also been interesting to watch how our relationship has grown and changed.
The first 2 weeks I was home on maternity leave, before Liesl came, I was on the floor playing with him every waking second. I knew this was our last 2 weeks as just Mommy & Ollie ever – and I was having a hard time with that. He welcomed my companionship as his playmate, and always wanted me at his side – to which I was happy to oblige (as much as my pregnant body would let me).
Then Liesl came, and he went through the normal 2-year-old emotions and acting out that come along with adjusting to sharing Mommy for the first time ever. We made it through a very tough first week, and he got a little better. But he became very clingy. He always wanted me doing everything with him – playing choo choos, building his car track and racing the cars down it, doing puzzles – you name it. And as draining as it was, and as challenging it was with a brand new baby, I also relished it, knowing that in a couple months I’d be off to work again, and we’d never have this time back.
But lately, he’s transitioned into a new phase. He’s started to play by himself.
I first realized it after I’d helped him put his little wooden train together. As soon as we were done, Liesl needed me, so I told him, “Ollie, I have to go get Liesl. I’ll be right back.” I got her, changed her diaper, sat down to feed her, and looked up to see Oliver, perfectly content on our dining room floor, engrossed in playing with the train we’d built. It’d been at least 5 or 10 minutes since I’d left his side, and he hadn’t asked for me or needed me that whole time.
My first reaction: “Whoa, this is weird.”
My next reaction: “That’s so stinking cute!”
And then: “WOO HOO!!!! My kid will play by himself! Maybe I can 1) get a moment’s peace; 2) actually get things done around here while kids are awake!”
But finally: My heart ached a little bit. My little boy was playing on his own. He didn’t need me right by his side, helping him guide his choo choo through a tunnel. He was 100% content on his own.
That’s a big moment in a mom’s life – the first time her little boy doesn’t need her. Your heart breaks a little bit, as you realize that this is the first of many moments like this: the first time he pours himself a glass of milk; the first time he doesn’t need to kiss me before walking out the door; the first time he doesn’t need me to help him get dressed…the first time he can drive himself to school…the first time he can pay his own cell phone bill…
I’m his mother. Since Day 1, I’ve been providing the necessities of life for him. That’s what I’m here for. It’s my job. I know, I know – the eventual goal is to help him become self-sufficient so I don’t have to provide anything for him anymore…but boy, it’s hard to start to do that when they’re adorable little 2-year-olds who still climb into your lap and give you wet kisses and say, “I wuv woo!”.
So yes, in some ways its a little bit heart-wrenching. But it also makes my heart swell with pride at his independence, creativity, and cleverness. Truly, I love just sitting there watching him play. I love thinking of what could possibly be going on in his head, what he’s figuring out about the world, and what new ideas he’s coming up with.
I love watching his gather a stack of books, transferring them 2 by 2 across the room, sitting in his little chair, and watching out the window as he reads to himself.
I love watching how creative he is, seeing a familiar property in an object and transforming it into something completely new – like turning this chess board into a tunnel for his train…
…or turning the piano into a parking lot for his cars (did you know the black keys are perfectly spaced to fit matchbox cars? Thank you, Mr. Cristofori!).
(We’ve made it very clear that cars can park on the keys, but they can’t drive on the keys.)
I love turning a movie on and seeing him settle himself into our huge sectional, content to just sit there and watch, all by himself.
I love it when he has opinions about what he wants to wear, even when I cringe at his choices. (Can you guess his favorite color?)
I love watching him discover grown-up foods (eating a hot dog IN the bun rather than separately) and sitting at the table at a restaurant like a big boy. I love looking over and realizing that he’s fed himself the better part of a complete meal, with no help from me.
I love it when he joins me for chores or yard-work, and finds creative way to quietly entertain himself – even if it’s sitting himself down in a garden bed full of dirt.
I love this little boy. I’m so proud of all that he’s becoming! And I secretly hope and pray that, in some small way, he always needs me. Because I will always need him.
“As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”
Linda says
OK…so yep, I admit it. This totally made me cry. So, so sweet. I love you my wonderful daughter. You are such an amazing mama and wife! Thank you for marrying our family….as trying as we (I) am/are at times.
XOXO
Fashionably Meek says
Loved this, so sweet. Boy does time fly!
http://www.fashionablymeek.com
loridawna says
Thanks for reading! I enjoyed your post yesterday – your little boy is darling!