Ok, we’ve had a couple Oliver posts – now on to a few Liesl posts.
“Birth stories” are one of those cultural phenomena encouraged, I believe, by social media. Some people really enjoy reading birth stories. Some don’t. I figured I would share for those of you that are interested, and for my own personal journaling purposes. That’s the great thing about the internet – you can read our story below in its entirety (reader be warned: it’s lengthy), just skim it, or totally skip it (I won’t be offended, promise) and just wait for the “aww”-inducing, cuteness overload photos from our newborn photography session (upcoming post – eek!). But I promise: I don’t get detailed, awkward, or embarrassing.
To provide some background for reference: Liesl’s birth was quite different from Oliver’s. Oliver came 2 ½ weeks early, and I was not emotionally ready for him to be there. I was still working, and less than 2 months previous we’d moved across the country, bought a house, and I’d started my Big Girl Corporate Job. I got an epidural within 20 minutes of getting to the hospital, and felt an incredible peace and calm. It was a beautiful, low-stress, enjoyable and almost relaxing (at times) experience. We had this awesome nurse, Laura, with whom we really connected, and she helped to make it a very sweet experience. (She even came down to our recovery room the next day after her shift to visit us.) I labored for about 14 hours, pushed for 2, and eventually had to have a 2nd-degree episiotomy and use a vacuum to get the kid out.
LG, as we referred to her prior to her birth (we told people it stood for “Little Girl”, but secretly it was “Liesl Grace”), was due to join us on Monday, August 10th. 3 ½ weeks before her due date, I’d had an evening with 3-4 hours of fairly consistent contractions. A few days later (3 weeks before her due date), I went to a doctor’s appointment and measured at 3 cm, 80% effaced. Dah! I did not want this baby to come early. (I think I may be the only woman ever at 37 weeks to say that…) I still had a HUGE global program to launch at work, and I didn’t want to lose my 2 pre-natal weeks of disability pay and time off like I did with Oliver! Nevertheless, I was convinced this baby was coming early, dang it! You can bet that I took it as darn easy as I could for the next 3 weeks.
Somehow, magically (mercifully) we made it to Sunday, August 9th. I woke up at 5:30 am to contraction pains. I rolled over in bed, grabbed my phone, and downloaded the highest-rated free contraction timing app I could find (cause that’s how planned-ahead and prepared I was for this). 🙂
I timed my contractions for about 30 minutes before I nudged Nick awake and said, “Hey, I think I’m in labor. Contractions aren’t super regular yet, but I think it’s the real deal.” He rolled over and went back to sleep.
Liesl had been hanging out so low for so long (and my first labor wasn’t super long) that my OB had frequently warned me that this labor might be quick. Once I realized I really was in labor, I got Oliver up and started getting him ready for church. I again woke Nick up, and we hung out in my room, teaching Oliver a new cheer to welcome the baby.
At 8:15 am, Nick ran Oliver over to our friends’ house, then came back and got me. We were checked into the hospital by 9 am, measuring at 5-6 cm.
I had full intentions of getting an epidural. I loved my epidural last time. (I love anesthesiologists. They’re just wonderful people.) I had absolutely zero desire to go through the transition and pushing process feeling excruciating pain. No, thank you. Not for me. Call me weak-sauce; that’s fine. Tell me it doesn’t hurt that much; I don’t care. I have nothing to prove, and I believe you can have a perfectly beautiful birthing experience and perfectly healthy babies with epidurals.
I did, however, want to stay mobile for as long as possible to help the labor move along and help the baby get in position. With Oliver, I got the epidural right after we got to the hospital. I progressed to 10 cm within a few hours and then everything stalled for about 4 hours, while the nurses laid me in various positions to help him get in the right position. Like I said, I then pushed for 2 hours and eventually had to use a vacuum and get a 2nd-degree episiotomy. So if I could make this birth a bit smoother, I was totally willing to put off an epidural until further along.
To help prep for that, Nick and I had reviewed all of the materials from the pre-natal class we took before Oliver was born. We reviewed various positions and techniques to help you handle contractions. We’d also just had our friend who works as a doula come to our house the previous week to teach us some additional techniques, and to share with us some thoughts and philosophies to help us through it. It was really helpful. I felt so much more prepared than I had with Oliver!
Once we got settled in our room, my nurse got me a birthing ball, and for the next 4 hours I was either kneeling up against the raised head of my bed, or sitting on my birthing ball, with Nick at my side. Contractions would come, Nick and I would use various techniques to get through them, and they’d pass. And then for 3 or 4 minutes I’d either talk and laugh easily with the nurse, converse with Nick as he filed my nails (he’d just started giving me a ‘manicure’ before we left for the hospital…yep, this one’s a winner, folks), or simply close my eyes to rest and gather strength to get through the next one.
Aside: Can I pause here and just tell you how amazing my husband was? He was so attentive, so patient, so willing to do whatever I asked. I’m amazed he wasn’t sore after bending over or kneeling or sitting to squeeze my hips while I was on the birthing ball for hours on end I’m so grateful to have such a sweet, patient, understanding husband. You don’t find those everyday.
I knew there was a “point of no return” when I wouldn’t be able to get an epidural, and I always had that on my mind. I definitely did NOT want to get there. But I wanted to get as close as I could…
Contractions got more intense, but I still felt like I was totally capable of handling them (with Nick’s help). I kept asking myself, “Should I get the epidural now? I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.” But then I’d think, “Well, it’s really not that bad yet. I’m totally handling it fine. So it seems silly to get it. I’ll wait a bit longer.” I went through that cycle probably 20 times.
And then the back labor got really bad, the nurse/doctor checked me, and we realized the baby was still posterior. So at about 12:30 or 1 pm, they laid me on my side/stomach in bed, trying to get Liesl to flip around. And that’s when it got bad. I’d been at 10 cm, 100% effaced for a while. Contractions were getting stronger. I felt so much pain in my back. I had the ability to move, because I was a brave girl and hadn’t yet gotten an epidural so I could stay mobile– but I had to just lay there and whimper. So ironically unfair.
And then all of a sudden the doctor was in there and everyone got in position, and I knelt on the bed, facing backwards, leaning on the raised head of the bed…and then my body started pushing. Without any of my own volition. It was the coolest, craziest sensation. My body knew exactly what to do.
And THEN I wanted an epidural. And then I realized – ah crap. YOU’RE NOT GETTING AN EPIDURAL, STOCKTON.
HOLY CRAP. PAIN. PRESSURE. FIRE. I seriously thought this thing was going to break my hips. I could literally feel them moving apart as the baby moved down. Weirdest feeling ever.
Then came the epic moment when the doctor said, “Ok, now is when you need to focus on that visual of something opening up, the image you chose to help you here.” And I thought, “What the crap?! I didn’t choose any freaking image! I didn’t prepare for this! I was going to get an epidural!” And that’s when I realized – oh shoot – I had really not prepared for this.
The next 20 minutes seemed like an hour to me. There’s no way to describe what that experience feels like, but women who’ve been through it are nodding their heads in understanding, sympathy, and quite possibly post-traumatic stress cringing.
All I can say is: It hurt really, really bad. I’m sure I sounded like the women in the movies, crying out in agony – because, gosh darn it, it hurt!
And then came the moment when I didn’t think I could do it. I couldn’t physically push any harder, it felt like I wasn’t making any progress, and I wanted to give up – but I knew I was stuck. The baby was on her way out, and I just wasn’t able to do enough to get her out. I was so terrified that I was going to fail, or that I wouldn’t be able to get her out, or we’d somehow be stuck in this circle of hell for eternity. I felt desperate and frantic. I cried quietly, “Nick, I can’t do it.”
I felt like I pushed through 8 or 9 contractions. Nick said it was 2 or 3. Whatever. It felt like an eternity. But after 20 minutes, I first birthed the amniotic sack, then it broke, then I pushed the baby’s head out, then felt an INCREDIBLE pain and was afraid the baby was stuck and we were both going to die like this because I’d never be able to get her out – and then one more push, and she was out.
The relief was incredible. Incredible. Then all of a sudden my baby was in my arms. I held her to my chest and cried. Tears of joy, of relief, of victory, of sacredness at the thing that I had in my arms.
The first thing I said to Nick: “That SUCKED. I am NEVER doing that again.” (Not not having another baby, just not doing it sans epidural.)
Liesl came to us at 1:40 pm; 7 lb 6 oz, 20.5 inches long. Dark hair, steely blue eyes. Beautiful pink, bronze skin. And we loved her long before the moment we first saw her. And all the pain, all the struggle – it was all worth it.
Our doula friend said that in some cultures, they believe women have to go through so much pain in childbirth because they have to descend to the depths of hell and fight off the demons to bring their babies to earth. I think that’s beautiful. I think it’s a privilege to be the one called to do that for my babies. I am so grateful to be a woman and to have the ability to help create a new life on this earth, in partnership with a loving Father above. I’m so grateful for the birth of my children, and for the sweetness Liesl Grace brings to our life.
Thanks for sharing, and cheers for one tough woman!